


Fade (or I Love You)

by ignorethyneighbour



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Bad Wolf, Doomsday, Episode: s02e13 Doomsday, F/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-29 07:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/684498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignorethyneighbour/pseuds/ignorethyneighbour
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor is left alone in the Tardis with his guilt after he fades away from Bad Wolf Bay. One shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fade (or I Love You)

**Author's Note:**

> I just had to process Doomsday in some way, and this was it. It's been a long time, but it still hurts.

“Rose Tyler,- “

The beach faded away. The sand under his feet was replaced by the solid floor of the Tardis, and the sky above him by the arching ceiling. He felt the tears on his cheeks, but kept staring at the wall in front of him.

_What have you done?_

The Doctor closed his eyes, let that one breath out that he rather wanted to keep inside him forever. That last breath that was Rose. The last breath he would ever take in her presence. In his opinion, it might as well be the last one he ever drew. So he didn’t breathe in again until he felt his chest rise in a quiet sob.

_I couldn’t do it._

He felt the Tardis spin around him, and not that kind-of-pleasant kind of spinning it usually did when he flew it, but the kind where he was the only one experiencing anything unusual. _Shock_ , a distant part of his brain told him.

_I’m never going to see her again. Ever._

It had been very clear for a very long time, now. Finding that tiny little gap in time and space had taken a while, even by his standards. The only thing keeping him from giving up was that crushingly small, yet so very real chance of seeing her again. Talking to her. One, last time. Telling her, finally, what he had wanted to say on so many occasions.

Now, the chance was gone. There wouldn’t be any more gaps, not according to the countless scans he had done. He had gotten what he wanted; he had seen her face, talked to her, said his goodbyes. And then he had chickened out and run away.

_What have you done?_

He had planned on telling her. Really. He had wanted nothing more than to say those words he knew meant so much, not only to her, but to him as well.

_I. Love. You._

The Doctor wished his hearts would beat a bit more rapidly, because this spinning was making him nauseous. He dropped to his knees and reached for the floor with his hands to try and find some stability. It didn’t change a thing: he was still never going to see Rose again.

_I couldn’t do it._

It dawned on him what he had done.

_No. Think about the Rose part of it instead. Never gonna see her. Ever._

He tried, feverishly, to hold on to the pain of losing Rose. He had learned that, by now. Pain was always better than guilt. The pain of losing someone he could endure, he had done it thousands of times. It was harder to stand it when _he_ was the cause. But he could get through that too, he had done it hundreds of times.

_Never gonna see her. Ever._

There was this thing, though, with Rose. That, sure, had happened before. But not like this. Not at all like this.

_I. Love. You._

And he had never told her. The Doctor had been about to, a million times.

He felt his grip of the floor falter, he felt himself falling over. He felt the roughness of the floor against his cheek, and the softer feel of his suited knees against his chin as he rolled up in a shaking ball.

_What have I done?_

The Doctor felt himself break apart. His pulse rose as his breathing sped up, irregular and violent, and he couldn’t help himself. That last thing he was about to say _, I love you_ , it could have been said. There had been more than enough left of the supernova to let him say it. The time hadn’t been up. He had cut the connection.

_Never gonna see her. Ever._

The guilt of not being able to save someone was always hard, but this was something different entirely. This was guilt over his own cowardice.

_I couldn’t do it._

He had known that it was his last chance. He had known the words were true. And, here he was, still not having gotten them off his chest.

_“Rose Tyler,-“_

_I. Love. You._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! This is not betaed, and I wrote everything in one go, so all mistakes are my own.


End file.
